First it hurts, then it changes you.

I struggled to write this blog post for weeks now. The truth is I struggled with how to start it and what I would say about my situation. It was hard for me to put into words what happened to me when I myself couldn’t understand it fully. It is also still hard for me to think back to some of the details without getting upset or sick to my stomach. Even if I try to explain it I know that the severity of everything will fail to be explained properly- there is no way to understand it unless one has gone through it. I have a hard time talking about specific things and it is a struggle for me to take myself back in time and relive some of it. I will do my best to tell what I feel comfortable with in the most simplified way possible. With that being said, I allowed myself time and gave myself grace to heal and clear my mind before telling my story. For clarification, I am writing about my journey with a major surgery I had that resulted in losing my right ovary and fallopian tube.

The diagnosis and surgery:

A question I often get asked is how did I know something was wrong? While I always had awful periods that included intense cramping and heavy bleeding, my periods grew worse within the last year. Within the last 6 months they had gotten so bad that I was bleeding for 8-9 days, physically throwing up and experiencing such intense pain that it eventually caused me to physically pass out. I had finally come to the decision that I needed to seek help from my OBGYN. I spoke to 3 OBGYNS before I was taken seriously and not dismissed with “let’s just try another birth control.” I knew something was wrong. Eventually after extensive testing I was diagnosed with two teratoma tumors on each one of my ovaries. The one on the right ovary was measuring the size of a large softball and I was told I would need surgery to remove them. The weeks leading up to the surgery I was starting to get sick and vomiting nearly everyday from the hormones being secreted by the tumor, as well as experiencing intense cramping and pain- therefore the surgery was moved up to the end of July.

Originally, my surgeon had discussed removing the tumors laparoscopically (through the belly button) however once he was in there he knew they were far too big to remove that way. Therefore, he had to make a hip to hip incision along my bikini line in order to remove the tumors. Complications arose and they were forced to remove my entire right ovary after it had been entirely crushed by the tumors.

The recovery:

I can honestly say that the recovery process was hands down the hardest thingI I've ever endured physically, mentally and emotionally. The level of pain is something I will never forget. I truly don’t think I would have made it if it weren’t for the help of my family and boyfriend. They had to do everything for me: shower me, help me use the bathroom, help me walk, get dressed, sit up, stand up, eat…. etc. The weeks following the procedure were covered in blankets of sadness and pure exhaustion. Recovering went far beyond the physical aspects; there were endless streams of effect from finances, mental health, relationships, fertility complications, loss of independence and so much more. 

Today I write this blog post 3 months post-op. Three months later and I have come so far. I am about 85% back to myself. However, I don’t really feel like myself. So much of me has changed both physically on the outside and on the inside. I have a large scar that measures from hip to hip on my bikini line. The swelling has gone down tremendously but yet still a lot remains. I lack all the core strength that I once had and the whole area is completely numb. As for the pain, it gets better everyday and only hurts at certain times or if it is touched or bumped into.

When it comes to the mental aspect I truly feel so much better. I am able to slowly become familiar with my new body, because although it is mine, I often look down and don’t feel like myself. It is a constant battle everyday to take what happened to me and choose to see the good in it. The wound is not my fault but the healing is my responsibility. The biggest thing I have implemented throughout the recovery process is grace. Grace with myself and with other people who simply do not understand. Grace with test results and receiving ‘bad’ news. Grace during doctor appointments, tests, procedures and in everyday life. Today, I am continuing monitoring care as well as taking specific medications/precautions to give me the most optimal chance of a full recovery and hopefully help with future fertility and overall health. I still have ways to go with my recovery and I have come to accept that some things will never be the same way they were before. 

I choose to tell my story not in hopes to upset anyone or have them feel some sort of pity for me but because I think stories of struggle fuel inspiration. I struggled to find stories that related to mine when I was in need of being inspired. I searched for someone who had a similar experience as me as a way for me to see that it would be okay- so I hope to be that for someone else. I truly believe this was meant to happen to me- I may not know the reason yet but I do believe this was meant for me. My mindset, priorities, plans, body, career and entire life has changed because of this– how could I not share the evolution of it? 

I will be sharing more about my “now” and the changes that have been and are being made in my life as I continue this new season of life in another blog post soon!

My pre/post op must haves and tips:

• The days leading up to surgery I prepared baskets with all my post up care as well as multiple pairs of comedy clothes for me to change into. This made it super easy for me to access because I couldn’t reach, lift or bend for anything. It  also made it super easy for my caretakers to find my things rather than me having to explain to them where everything is. 

• Heating pad, ice packs and lots and lots of pillows for support. 

• Pads,pads,pads, diapers and more pads :)

• Stretch lightly and massage legs as often as possible to help with lymphatic drainage.

• Sleep as often as and for as long as possible.

• Stock up on stool softeners and continue to drink a ton of fluids- the pain meds cause some serious stomach issues.

• Purchase nightgowns, t-shirt dresses and big t-shirts if you are having any type of abdominal surgery- both the pain and swelling didn’t allow for me to wear anything with a waistband for at least 3 weeks

• If you don't have a detachable shower head be sure to get one before your surgery. This was a life saver for me. I wasn’t able to shower by myself until week 3 and having a shower head I can pull down and adjust the pressure made it a bit easier. Showering for me, was one of the hardest and most painful parts. 

    Things I did to get through the hardest times:

• Times I endured some of the worst pain I have ever felt, I found that relaxing my face and breathing in through my nose and out my mouth really helped me to push through. Focus on the breathing.

• Listening to music helped when I was anxious and couldn’t sleep.

• Walking is one of the best things you can do for your mind and body.

• Communicate how you are feeling to someone you love and trust. This was crucial for me. I had to work through a lot of emotions and scary thoughts I never thought about before. Even if it seems scary or embarrassing it is so important to get those feelings and thoughts out of your head. 

• Pray hard and Pray often.

• When someone offers to help- take it.

• Do not go into detail about your struggles with people who only ask to know; they don’t really care.

• I did a lot of research about foods that are beneficial to the ovaries and was sure to incorporate them into my everyday meals in order to keep the ovary I left strong and healthy.

One thing I realized is that it all (eventually) works out in the end. Even if it works out in ways you didn’t think or plan. This hard time is just a chapter, it will not last forever. I think our biggest redirections in life often come from the biggest struggles we are forced to take on. Things happen to us for a reason and the hard things we go through begin to shape us into the person we are meant to be. This process was easily the hardest thing I have had to endure and the waves of struggle continue to overflow in my everyday life now. But I know in my heart that this challenge will open more doors and grant me with more blessings than I could ever dream of.